“I was not myself for months and nobody noticed”

This is the story I hid from everyone and denied to myself for months. I was very hesitant on sharing this to the public but if my experience will benefit a single soul on this planet then why not! This is the story of my road to depression.

Pre Covid-19: I am this strong, independent and driven woman who is always happy and positive. I am healthy, just visited my family back in the Philippines. I am surrounded by great friends, have a good career and lastly, I was in love. I really could not ask for more, life was great- It was grand!

My partner got invited to a wedding in Columbia and since Machu Picchu is on my bucket list it just felt right for us to go to South America. The plan was I will leave Melbourne to Peru to do the ultimate hike to Machu Picchu then I will fly to Bogota to meet him for the wedding and together we explore Columbia.

How It started: I was on day three of hiking at the Andes Mountains to Machu Picchu when the Peruvian Government announced that they are going to close their borders and gave tourist 24 hours to evacuate the country. Our tour group are currently on top of a mountain in the middle of nowhere and we only have 11 hours left to leave the country or else we will be trap until only God knows when. It was like an episode of the amazing race plus the apocalypse. Imagine running down a steep slippery trail to the nearest town. Driving back to Cusco just to find the place in complete madness. Tourist are flocked outside the airport, traffic was so bad and long queues outside the office of travel agencies. Locals are rushing, buying supplies and stores are preparing to close. There were people everywhere! Unfortunately, large number of tourists are not able to leave that day and I was one of them.

I was in a state of shock, I was breathing so heavily and shaking. The moment I got an Internet connection I called my partner and started crying, turns out he cannot leave Melbourne too. The time I spent disconnected to the world has turned the world upside down. I have no idea how big the impact of Covid-19 was and I don’t know what to do. I was trapped in a foreign country alone, not knowing anyone other than my tour group and none of us can speak or understand their native language. I was F*cked! With my lack of sanity my partner stepped up and did all the heavy lifting starting from where I should stay to what should I do. My brain just can’t process anything that is happening, I was in disbelief.

Days have passed and I started to feel unease. I cannot quite explain it but it was like a cocktail of both positive and negative emotions and it comes in waves. I knew I have to express and talk about it but I hesitated, instead I kept it down and denied what I was feeling.

I did not call my parents the entire time I was in lock down, I only occasionally reply to my sister and cousins to reassure them that I am fine. I basically told everyone that “I am fine and doing well”. I also barely talk to my best friend because I knew I couldn’t keep anything from her. So, I continued acting normal and hoped that “this feeling” goes away and resolve itself.

My fear of being stuck in Cusco for a long time was the only thing I expressed to my partner who is on 24/7 facetiming with me. I hid my internal battles from him as well for the plain reason that I don’t want to burden him further because he is already doing a lot for me. This “keeping my emotions in the dark” went for weeks.

Finally, a ray of hope came I was able to board the plane Chimu Adventures organized to get the Australians who are stuck in Peru back home. It only cost a limb and an ear for the cost of the flight that I rejected at first because it is just way too expensive. My partner willingly volunteered to pay for the flight because he said this is my best chance to return home. He was right but I have to admit it, it did kill my ego.

Sydney, finally! The Sheraton, 5 star premium hotel! Another 2 weeks of quarantine with no fresh air and no physical Interaction with people YAY!-NOT! At this stage I thought being back in Australian soil will bring some sense of peace in me but not really, I started to feel anxious, worthless, a failure. I felt like a loser that is incapable of looking after herself. I felt absolutely useless! – “You are a disappointment”.

Back in Melbourne, Yahooo! reunited with my partner, my sunshine. I was just starting to get back on my newfound normal routine when things started to fall apart more. Between my parents having issues back home, which I handled poorly, I was fighting with my sister because I was just an “Ice princess on the inside” and I lost family members to Covid-19 and Cancer. Denying my internal battles made me ineffective at handling external dilemmas which made me feel worse. - “I am a bad daughter and a sister. I am useless.”

The strength of this “billed up emotions” grew that I started to isolate myself to others. I refused to be around people. I was hesitant to meet my partners’ friends. I was over thinking everything at the same time being irrational because I was… I don’t know!

These suppressed feelings went on and on until my body started to revolt against me. I started having episodes of intense headaches which my partner thought was due to my over consumption of coffee. I know it is not the coffee but I still didn’t say anything to him. I ignored the headaches and my body went on a second strike: when I poo, I poo fresh blood. Even that didn’t scare me, l still ignored the fact that I was starting to die from the inside out and I still did not give a rats’ ass! My ego was so huge I’d rather die than admit the fact that I need help.

Desperation. I tried to look for something great and exciting. I barely had any sunshine in me so I cling to the only sunshine outside of me: my partner. Due to my desperation I started to put pressure on him: “when are we going to have a dog? when are we going to have kids?”. This broken record played on and on and on until the cords snapped and just like that the music stopped and it was over. The saddest part about this was that we couldn’t even meet in the middle to somehow make it work. I never expected it to be that fragile. -You can’t even keep a relationship- you are not worth fighting for, you are worthless!”

The emotions inside me have piled up like a wedding cake but still I was the epitome of cheery, bubbly person. The entire time since I came back from quarantine I didn’t show the slightest that I was going through a rough phase while at work. Work is a different world to me I don’t carry personal issues to work. Plus, I have great colleagues when I was stuck in Peru they did a fundraising for me. How sweet is that! At the back of my head these people need my 100% so I was like the joker (less the crazy, well a little bit) and I was calm as the Dead Sea (Dead but still a sea, uninhabitable but still a sea). For a person who doesn’t lie I was the world’s biggest con-artist. No one knows- none.

It started to ooze. I had episodes of complete lack of awareness, I started to lose insight of who I am, lost my excitement with food which caused me to lose a lot of weight and I was asleep most of the time. I also lost enthusiasm with most of things I was excited about. Then things started to feel foreign, I feel like my body isn’t my body anymore. To fight “this feeling” I started to develop an unhealthy habit- I started smoking. I also went back to dating websites with no intention on dating just to boost my ego. – “fake it till you make it”.

I tried to seek some psychological help just to convince myself that I am at least doing something to help myself. So, I went to my GP and he made a referral form to a psychological therapist. He handed me the form and I read it and there written in bold letters “Mild Depression”. I was surprised for one reason – that this is mild! I have Seasonal Affective Disorder that makes me struggle during wintertime, add that plus what I have been through= Mild? I started thinking about the people who are battling depression. I know what I am going through is a situational type of depression but for the people who experience this on a regular basis—I admire your strength. I did some therapy sessions, which didn’t help because I became my therapist’s therapist- if that even make sense. 3 sessions later and I quit. -“What made you think it was that easy! No one cares!”.

The limit. I was at work one day and we are doing an emergency caesarean section. During the operation the consultant asked me “Twinkle are you going to sing happy birthday” I stared blankly at him and so did he, it became awkward so I panicked and I just said, “I am shy”. He and the registrar both laughed and said “Twinkle you are never shy”. I felt so bad, so guilty that I went to the recovery area approached the dad who is carrying his newborn child. I congratulated the dad and I started to sing happy birthday song to the baby. The dad started to become teary and I knew I had to get out of there because the moment the father cries I will too, I can feel this gush of emotions I have been suppressing coming out so I walked out. I walked so fast that when I reached the rest room I just sat on the floor shaking and I just vomited but even then, I wouldn’t allow myself to cry. Weeks has passed and I was having a regular day at work when I started to feel some discomfort when I breath, it is heavy and blunt like on my chest. At first, I thought it was just because of the face mask that we constantly have to wear, but just to be sure I asked one of my colleagues to check my oxygen saturation and blood pressure- everything was fine, but I was not convinced so I asked him to connect me to an ECG- still normal. -“Is there anything you can do right? You are so weak.”

I got home and I am just sick and tired of being sick and tired of the voices inside of my head. So, I confronted myself like a psycho: “What Am I doing? What am I valuing so much that I am so conformant to these standards that are not even making me happy? Why is it so hard for me to admit that I am not okay? Why is it so hard for me to ask people for help? What am I waiting for? - a heart attack?” In the pursuit of happiness would you be willing to get out of the jail you built around the idea that you are okay? Coz, baby girl you are beyond F*cked!

I knew I cannot hide what I am feeling any longer, I know that this exterior- this happy persona I play has to stop. I should take off the happy mask and be honest. I felt so tired, so worn out and so unhappy that I don’t care if I die, clearly, I have reached my breaking point.

The breaking free: The first thing I did was send a message to the only person I was so hesitant of showing my true emotions to because I am very protective of this person I don’t want him to worry about me and overthink my situation. This is the biggest move I have ever done in 2020 – I texted my dad “Pa, I am sad”. This opened a portal for my hidden emotions to come out. It erupted like a volcano that just went on and on and on. I cried motha*cking a lot, anywhere, any time. I cried in the grocery store while watching a guy check out the items I bought. I cried in the park in front of a tree- yes, a tree! (Probably not the first time for that tree anyway). Allowing myself to feel what I was feeling somehow made the universe lend a helping hand because clearly, I have underestimated the demon inside me. I received an Email from my manager regarding a position in a different department and location. I thought this will a be good opportunity, so I volunteered. Plus, I do not have to drive to work anymore which eliminates the possibility of me dying from a car accident due to my lack of awareness. I started to open up about my feelings to my best friend, family and friends. It was hard, being vulnerable and admitting your weakness and how broken I am took A LOT of courage. Yet, I owned it! thinking being honest is not nearly as difficult as spending my life running away from it. I understand that suffering is inevitable part of our lives. Things go wrong, people upset us, accidents happen but denying suffering is suffering- It backfires. I have hurt people and specially myself by denying depression and help. It might seem odd, but I am grateful that I went through this because it has given me a whole new perspective. I am still in the process of recovery and now, I just appreciate my ability to heal and grow.

Slowly, I feel that who I used to be is slowly fading away. Lisa Nichols was right, you have to be willing to die in any form that you have been so that you can give birth to a person you are becoming.